I usually like to write when my thoughts are together, when the details are aligned, and when the revelation has come.
But this time I come to you grieving, grateful, raw and filled with hope.
I am going to cut right to the chase, we have to leave Thailand. The place we have come to know and love the last year, and move back to Colorado in order to best care for our sweet Elijah and his recent medical needs.
We have to say goodbye to our neighbors and friends we have made, pack up our home and eat all the Thai food we can in a week. The boys have to stay in the states while David and I go back and move and wrap things up. So I have to go pack up all the dreams and say good-bye for them. We have to put a life long dream on the shelf for a while, and just trust that God isn’t done yet. That is where the grieving comes in. Right now in this moment, it hurts, it doesn’t make sense, and we sit in so many unknowns, so we take deep breaths, laugh at inappropriate times and watch the genuine joy that one year olds bring to everything.
We came home in December, got to spend time with family, got the physical therapy that Elijah needed and ultimately found out through a long series of God working, that he also needed this feeding tube placed in his belly so he could drink fluids safely. That is where the gratitude comes in. Grateful for resources, for speech therapists that truly care, for family and friends and a place to land, for the endless prayers and support in this season.
Last week as I sat in the pew at my Grandmothers funeral, my pastor said something that has stuck with me. He said how great is it that God made our hearts so complex that we can grieve and be grateful at the exact same time, what a beautiful messy thing our hearts can be. It has been 3 months of riding a rollercoaster of exactly that. So that is where the raw and real comes in.
I know my God is good, I know He is for me, my family and that He is going to use this season in Elijah’s life to bring people closer to him. I know he will take care of my heart when it feels scattered across the world. I know He is my comfort, my peace, my strength, my healer, and I know I can trust him. Then I remember that I am not in heaven yet, I’m here living life between two gardens trying to navigate how to walk this season out with grace, patience and love. That even when my heart feels broken I still want Jesus to be known, I still want to be kind, gentle and loving to my husband and kids when everything feels chaotic. But right now I say everyday, Lord I trust you as the tears fall. And you know what? I think that is okay. And that my dear, is where the filled with hope comes in.
We keep our chins up, we fix our eyes on Jesus, we hold hands a little tighter, we get on that plane, we pack up, we say “see ya soon”, and we walk forward with complete faith and trust.
Thank you for journeying with us, for fighting for us, for believing in us, for believing in all God is up to. Here is to new beginnings, to walking forward in whatever season you may be in with complete expectancy that God has something beautiful in store. We love you all so much.
Grieving and grateful,
Erica & the boys.